he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I will be naked everywhere
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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