Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I checked into jail on foursquare
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
