You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Im part way to drunk.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
