I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
