I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
