Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
