need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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