I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
