All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
