sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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