it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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