my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
