You smell like stripper and shame
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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