No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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