Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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