OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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