Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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