There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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