someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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