party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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