At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this boner is exhausting
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just got carded by a ten year old.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
