my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
