Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
