Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
