White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
