I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
