i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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