i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
