Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
