remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
