If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
