woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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