paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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