dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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