I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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