I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
