what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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