Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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