Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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