Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
