Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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