Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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