So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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