His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
