ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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