dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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