Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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