It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
