a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
