Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
