So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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