Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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