I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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