its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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