We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
