grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
