you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
