It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
